Imagine yourself, dear one, in Hannah’s position. She already was seen by others as cursed for not being able to have children, her husband was married to another woman, and this woman consistently dug at the deepest wounds of her soul making them deeper with each passing day. On top of that, her husband did not understand why she was in so much pain. You know that Hannah absolutely felt alone, unloved, unseen, abandoned, unworthy, rejected, hated, forgotten, misunderstood, you name it. I’m sure many of us can relate deeply to what she felt. But, as in any story of victory, what the enemy intended for harm, God absolutely used for good- because He is good. Though not much is written about Hannah’s life, one thing is evident from this passage in 1 Samuel 1. Throughout all the opposition, Hannah remained faithful in worship to the Lord. She never gave up praying, believing that God could, and I believe would, answer the very cry of her heart. She went on a journey she didn’t even know she was on- the journey of every true seeker of God- the journey of persistence in prayer. This is the journey of asking, seeking, and knocking (Matthew 7:7), or, contending for the promises of the Lord in prayer.

I believe the Lord invites all of His followers to “ASK” Him for all things because we are told to do so. But I believe fewer will venture into the place of true seeking, and even fewer will reach the place of knocking on the door of His heart with the desires of our own heart. These are the deep places of prayer, the deep waters of surrender if you will, that often require the greatest sacrifice, which is all of our hearts. Seeking requires grit, stamina, strength, and courage. It squeezes out every place of inauthenticity, apathy and fear within us. It refines us in the fire of vulnerability and sifts away the fleshly “ask’s” as His word in us begins to divide soul and spirit, forging within us the purity to “ask according to His will” and ultimately, trust with firm resolve that God is who He says He is. It is only those who endure the testing of seeking who reach the door in which we knock. You know that knock- when you’re this close to giving up and you feel you have no strength left, and He’s asking you to KNOCK on the door of His heart, yet again. It would seem cruel, if He didn’t actually intend to open the door and answer. But He always does, Beloved. We must believe, He always opens the door to us.

You see, throughout Hannah’s wrestlings and groanings in prayer, we are told that she ended up making a vow to the Lord. I believe this wasn’t a “random” vow that came about because she was on the edge of giving up and wanted to see if God would just give her what she wanted if she tossed him a compromise. That would be how the enemy gets us to quit in the place of asking and seeking, and to come short of God’s full promises by coming into agreement with him. God doesn’t respond to compromise. No, I believe that what she came to realize in her prayers for a child was that this child was not just to be like every other child- like the children of her rival. This child was to be set apart unto the Lord, used for His purposes alone. I believe that as she persisted in prayer, the Lord continued strengthening her in the place of hope that just maybe, He had already planned to give her, and her nation, much more than what she had begun to ask for. She was asking for a son, and God was preparing a man to change the course of a nation. I like how one article puts it, that “God answered more abundantly than she asked when her heart and God’s heart became a perfect match”. And so, as Jesus said in Gethsemane, “Not my will but Your’s be done”, Hannah understood that God had a bigger plan and purpose for this child. Her heart just needed to get to the point of not just accepting this, but desiring it, too. Because not only was she going to be given a son, but she would later surrender this son fully to the Lord as he grew up ministering before the Lord in the temple. This kind of surrender is only possible when there is the utmost trust involved, and faith that there is joy on the other side of the suffering. This is what is developed in the depths of prayer, the places of deep union where the desires of our hearts align with the desires of God’s heart.

Her tears and pain were not in vain. They gave birth to a prophet of Israel (Samuel) who would anoint two kings, one of them being David, a man after God’s own heart and precursor to our Messiah. And throughout all of the tears and taunts, she kept showing up, year after year in the temple bringing sacrifices and offerings to God. Until one day, Eli the priest gave her his blessing, “Go in peace and may the God of Israel grant the petition you have asked of Him.” To which she replied, “Let your maidservant find favor in your sight.” Finally, she was seen- and blessed, not by her husband, but by a priest of the Lord. Hannah was granted favor from the Lord. The appointed time had come for her prayers to be answered, because the very next day it says she lay with her husband and became pregnant. The Lord remembered her. And it is the grace of God through Jesus allows Him to remember us and His promises to us, too.

Not only did God answer Hannah’s prayer for her son, Samuel. But in in the following verses it says that when she and Elkanah went up to the temple for the yearly sacrifice, Eli the priest would bless them that they would have more descendents, and so Hannah gave birth to two more sons and two daughters in total. So, even though she dedicated her firstborn to the Lord, God still granted her more children. In so many ways, it was more than what she had asked for to begin with.

Remember, anyone can give birth to an idea, a child, marriage, business, book, ministry, etc- but God is looking for the wombs through which He can birth His eternal fruit and purposes- the very things that are far greater than what we have even begun to ask, think, or hope for (Ephesians 3:20). God actually desires to exceed our expectations, but it requires walking with Him in a place of surrendered trust so that His plans and purposes can be birthed through us. No matter what your journey has been or what you are going through today, keep asking the Lord. Keep seeking, wrestling, being honest, and asking the hard questions. Keep knocking on the door of His heart. Don’t let the taunts of your enemies make you so discouraged that you give up on the journey, and don’t despise the gift of tears; the (sometimes) years of travailing prayer. You never know what God is bringing to life out of your deepest places of pain and longing, and there is always an end point. I believe the destination is more beautiful than any of us can presently imagine, and He’s already gone to prepare it for us. God is faithful, and when our hope is in Him, He will not disappoint us. He will do exceedingly above and beyond your wildest requests, and it is His delight to do so.

My name is Emily, and my name quite literally means “striving”. But, I want to tell you a story about encountering the God who gives us rest from all of our striving. I gave my life to the Lord and was baptized in 2017, and since then my life has drastically changed. I truly am a brand new person, born again and washed clean, truly all glory to Him. I plan to share more of my testimony of how I came to know Him in a later post, but we’re going to zero in on the journey I’ve been on since earlier last year.

What do you think of when you hear the word “Rest”? Do you dream of a peaceful oasis? A vacation from your vacation? Or is it more of an internal state? What do you think Jesus meant when He said “Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest for your souls”? Rest has certainly been a term in my vernacular, but in many ways, I have still largely lacked the understanding of what it means to actually operate and live from the kind of rest that, as followers of Jesus, we are invited into (Hebrews 4). You know, the “entering into the finished works of Jesus from before the foundations of the earth”, kind of rest. Rest is a promise for us who believe, but it is the one thing we are told to diligently strive to enter. When the writer of Hebrews said this, he wasn’t speaking to unbelievers, but rather, believers. It is a warning to us that we must watch over our hearts diligently that they don’t become cold or lukewarm, that we would drift away from the faith we first confessed, and ultimately from our Beloved.

Since March of last year (2024) I have been on a rather interesting journey of, albeit, a bit more radical faith, and perhaps more-so… discovery. I didn’t quite know at the time that I was about to set out on a journey of unfamiliar sorts, but that is exactly how I’ve ended up here, writing to you. At this time, I was coming off of a long season of busying myself with many good things- relationships, ministry events, bible studies, dinners, you name it… and saying “yes” to many people and invitations. I had also been working as a nanny for a few years, amongst other things, and with a network of family and connections I was a sought after caretaker for many people’s children and pets in just a couple years time. With this, I rarely had to worry about actually looking for a job and had seen the grace of God through my time in this line of work. But, it still took me through some tumultuous waters as there was much inconsistency at times- a test of trusting Him in ways I would only later come to understand. Invitations often flooded my way, but without proper rhythms of rest and Sabbath in place, as well as admittedly feeling like a slave to every opportunity, I soon started to experience intense burnout and exhaustion.

Though at this time I had grown a little in my knowledge of money stewardship from when I was not walking with Jesus, I had never purposefully set aside finances for any particular reason. However, I realized that I had time and time again allowed the excuse of lack of finances as to why I hadn’t traveled or gone on a true vacation, even though it’s one of the very things that has always brought me so much life. I knew in my heart that being slave to anything other than Jesus himself was disobedience, but I could not understand how to change the circumstances. I was deeply afraid that if I began to say “no” to what I had known His provision to be in my life thus far, that I would end up abandoned by God, homeless, or starving to death... lies, lies, lies! There was an intense wrestle in my heart as I grappled with things that weren’t matching up in my head. I, also, at this time had already been on a journey with the Lord of Him healing some pretty deep places of disappointment and hope deferred in my heart… more on that later. Even after a few years of encountering the Lord as Healer and Deliverer in my life, it was apparent that I still needed what felt like a deep overhaul in my soul, and for months I began crying out to the Lord to heal me in a greater way.

You see, God had been prompting me for some time to “step out on the water” in faith, and to radically trust Him- specifically as my Provider. I was just terrified to do what I thought He was asking- LET GO. TRUST. REST. One day, after an early morning time of prayer at a friends house, I felt to take a leap and plan a trip as a getaway for just me and the Lord. But I knew I didn’t just want another short term trip that just returned me back to the life I was vacationing from. Again, my soul was desperately tired and I was desperate for something to shift. Was He really inviting me to “come away with Him”, and radically trust Him with the rest (no pun intended)… no matter what it might look like? I desperately craved adventure, as for years I knew I felt called to walk a similar journey of faith that I’d heard from so many where God often came through and showed up in miraculous ways when they just listened to His voice and obeyed. (Side note- I have since come to grow in my understanding that God actually does birth beautiful and pure desires in our hearts, and that my desires are not always against His like I was once so afraid of. Understanding the new covenant is so important, thank you Jesus! This will be a whole other post soon to come.)

Since before I was baptized, I had prayed prayers asking God to call me out upon the water, taking me deeper than my feet could ever wander” (Lyrics from the song, “Oceans” by Hillsong). Once I had entered the world of missions and encountered people who, quite literally, lived by radical faith and provision, it was game over. I was (fairly) convinced that the God of scripture really could do above and beyond what we could ask, hope for, or imagine (Ephesians 3:20), but this seed of faith that was planted in me needed the right soil to grow in. Enter, the process of sanctification. But what this points to, much more than just accumulating cool testimonies, going to different physical locations and provisional blessings- is the ache and desire for the more of God- to really know Him for who He says He is and experience the abundant life of the soul as He promises. And this, we know, is exactly what brings true rest.

Ok, now back to March of last year. After praying about where I would like to go if I could go on a trip somewhere, I ended up taking the little amount I had in savings at the time to buy a one way plane ticket to Dallas, TX to go spend time seeking the Lord in the UPPERROOM Dallas prayer room, and then packed my suitcase in faith that I might go from there back to one of the dearest places on the planet to me, Kona, Hawaii. Very soon after booking the ticket, a dear friend gifted me the amount I needed to pay for rent that month, and other surprise provision from other family in Christ came, as well.

Then, a day after arriving to Dallas, the friend I was staying with said the Lord told her to send me money for a one way plane ticket to Kona. Day by day, I was beginning to experience a deeper dependency on the provision of the Lord, sometimes not even being sure where my next meal would come from. While my flesh was dying, I began to feel more alive and invigorated in my spirit than I had in a long time. Beginning in Dallas, I started encountering people who were also on or had been through strange, “Abrahamic” faith journeys where they felt called to step out and radically trust God when it didn’t make sense. Wild individuals and families who felt to follow God like the pillar and cloud, seeing His daily provision, and best of all- they just trusted Him. Their state of being at rest amidst uncertain circumstances provoked the unrest I still felt in my soul, but my seed of faith was being watered.

Strangers and new friends would give me rides, pay for meals, and it seemed like everywhere I went between Dallas and Kona the Lord was speaking to me from Psalm 23. He was showing Himself to me as my good Shepherd, the one who leads, guides, and provides. And I was called to be a sheep who rested and trusted in the Good Shepherd. The people and places in Dallas were sparking the growth of new life in me with incredibly rich conversations and community. God was showing off as my Father, and the day before leaving Dallas for Kona, a (now dear) friend said that as we were talking she kept seeing a picture of a camera. She said that she felt she was supposed to let me take her Nikon camera with me to Hawaii, carry it around, and see what the Lord would do. You see, I had already been gifted a camera from a friend a few months prior (that’s another story) and despite feeling like I should bring it, I ended up not taking it with me on this trip.

Onwards to Kona, after being spontaneously commissioned out of the UPPERROOM prayer room and receiving a couple prophetic words about my upcoming time there, I was a bit hesitant about what I was to expect during my time back in Kona. I had previously had a season there of a few months doing a missions program several years back, which was a dream come true, but had since spent years praying to go back feeling like the door had been somewhat blocked by a lack of God’s peace. Because of this, a lot of hope deferred and disappointment had settled in my heart. I had believed that God had said He would send me back one day, and I was holding to what felt like were promises of God for me over the land of Hawaii. At the same time, I knew something in me had died to what I thought things were going to look like, and particularly when they were going to happen. But here I was, finally returning and He was faithfully speaking and allowing me to understand some things I previously couldn’t.

God was doing an important and hard work in me as I wrestled with Him through many questions and fears. Then, a few days into my trip, I got invited to go on a photography shoot with a friend, that happened to be for a husband and wife on their honeymoon. Jesus took me to one of the most beautiful places in the world to capture pictures of a bride and bridegroom, and I knew He was speaking to me about Him as the bridegroom and returning to my First Love (Revelation 2:4). Yep, in the year 2024, God gave the 2:4 scripture from Revelation, and I began to understand that through all of the busyness and good things I had been involving myself in, my heart had ultimately been growing lukewarm towards my Beloved. It was supposed to be all about Him, and I had been making it about other things, even good things- and it had costed me. The invitation was to return to my Beloved and “the works I did at first”. Repentance IS an invitation to rest. It is turning from the worthless and dead things that bring death to our souls to what gives life, God Himself. It is a returning to life in the Garden, before sin came and corrupted the world as God made it. And though I began to understand this in a deeper way, I understood that in order for some things to really change in my life and heart, it was going to require some major mindset and lifestyle shifts. Just stepping out to go on this trip was a significant step towards allowing the Lord to speak into matters and heal my heart, but it was really only the beginning of the needed shift.

(On this trip, I also met some of my now dearest friends through absolutely divinely orchestrated circumstances, including staying with a girl named Megan ,who, upon my arrival promptly handed me a copy of her book she’d written testifying about her faith adventures with God. There’s SO many stories I could tell, and God was so very faithful through every step. But for the sake of this being a blog and not a book, we’ll pause there for now :) . It truly was a marking trip in many ways, and… the beginning of a new journey.)

As I found a way back to Nashville, TN (thanks Mom and Dad :)), I had a strong sense that things were going to be very different from then on. I had now tasted something of the Lord in a fuller way, and I was finally beginning to feel a deeper sense of overall rest. There were people that didn’t think I was going to come back from my time away, and a calling to “missions” only felt like it was being confirmed in a greater way, as well, but what that would look like I still didn’t quite know. Upon returning, it was as if God began shutting doors in my life, from work to relationships the grace had clearly been lifting, and He began to make it very clear that I was entering into some significant transition. Then, one day I encountered the voice of God in my bedroom…

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